Fair Week

Woo hoo, just got back from the fair, a week away from the comp which is oddly liberating. Sold one of my calf's for $700 which is good I guess, won grand showmanship so I got a little plaque/trophy thingy. So yeah I got back and was re-reading my blog and kind of realized every thing on here is so damn depressing so I thought I'd post something that was actually good, I bet your confused now.."He's not depressed all the time?....damnit now what am I supposed to think about tonight!?" yeah that was a bad joke I know. But anywho......I'll post again later I'm just a little bored and was checking this beast so I thought "why not?.." and posted happyness. So anyways See ya around.

I Need.....

Have you ever wondered how much you really mean to those around you? How you affect their lives on a daily basis? I know I haven't until recently anyway, I've always felt that I belong with my friends; that they want me around just to have me there. Lately I'm starting to doubt this, lately I've noticed that many of my friends..not all of them..but many are only interested in me when I'm convenient, When I dont need any up-keep as one of my good friends put it. They often come to me, dropping there problems and there issues in my lap. Now I'm not even remotely suggesting that I mind this at all. I rejoice in the fact that my friends know they can come to me when they need me.

However, I've been thinking alot lately, and while I do so enjoy listening to other people. I'm beginning to realize that often enough it's me that needs someone to talk to. Now, after stating that I would like to elaborate on it, often times my time online is spent, in the most part, listening to people bitch about one thing or another. This is good, it's natural for me, I always have a driving urge to help those I care about. Recently I've had some rather tough times, and it's done a lot to show me who my real friends are. It bothers me when one morning someone comes to me, begging my ear for one bicker or another, and then, on the next day or even that night I would be in a serious bad place and go to them for help and support, and all I receive is a stiff shoulder and mono-syllabic responses.

I suppose this could be viewed as a step in the right direction, now I know I can't rely on most of these people. I know who I can count on, who I can lean on, who I can love, and now I know who I need to keep at arms distance from my true feelings. This won't stop me from being there when these people need me. While I am a bitter jerk sometimes, I never have and never will turn away a friend in need. Some might see this as a flaw, as me laying myself down and painting the words "walk on me" across my chest, but I chose to see it as me, being who I want to be. I want to be someone you know you can rely on, I want to be someone you can trust, I need to be someone you can love..

Boredom

I got really bored, a week or two ago, well this is the end result. kind of stupid but hell, its 4 a.m. im bored as hell, and wanted something to do... -Edit- I added mine and sam's signature tag lines at the bottum, his being "Lost Lives" and mine being "Dorment Souls" I added this signature because as sam pointed out the heart is his and also I'm trying to stay awake..

Nervous

Hmmm tomorrow is my annual doctors appointment for my back, to fill that gap I have a slight curve in my spine. It isn't debilitating but it does cause some discomfort sometimes but nothing serious. Tomorrow I will find out if I need to have surgery to straighten my back out. The very concept of back surgery frightens me senseless, I mean if the surgeon sneezes or something I will be paralyzed for the rest of my life..Some people have noticed I have been moderately anti-social tonight at least what passes for anti-social with me. I don't know why this bothers me the way it does but it always has, there is also the possibility that I'll die in the surgery. Somehow to me living my life paralyzed is more frightening than being dead....

But - on to brighter subjects....My ribs don't hurt nearly as bad as they did, I can almost breathe normally again. So when I went out to meet Mr. Vance to weigh the calfs this morning, all went well until one of the calfs jumped..and I mean literally leaped out of the shoot and one hoof landed squarely on my foot, leaving a good sized bruise. Later after Vance left, I was feeding and watering and the calf that has been giving me to the problems and trying to kill me, kicks me directly in the shin. I'm almost positive that that is going to bruise also.

I think the source of my nervous feelings and anxiety is that I've been noticing my back pains more often, perhaps due to the close proximity of the doctors appointment but my mind seems to want me to think that I am going to have to get this surgery. Part of me wants this surgery, I know thats true, but i dont know how I would handle having to get it..this post would have been more acurrately titled Twisted emotions or something but I dont want to change it now, Anyway..I will report tomorrow with what happens...toodles..

Frustrating...

Woo its been one hell of a night, as some of you know I've been going in circles with my ISP, between server crashes and using too many hours, it seems my account is either locked or unavailable more than half the time I need it. Tonight was no different, I got booted a grand total of 13 times in 4 hours..magnificent I know. Wow, I'm almost positive it was something in yahoo that was making me glitch. So I'm trying something that Jenn turned me on to, called Trillian, I'm not sure if I will like it but time will tell i guess, and that way I can be on YIM, AIM, MSN, ICQ, And IRC all at once..I dont know what IRC is but I'll be damned if'n I wont find out! Well I'm really just killing some time here while I download it, kinda aching for another sentient being to converse with but seeing as how no one is on MSN or AIM I'm kinda screwed metaphorically speaking of course. Ahh well I'll just go read or something..Toodles.

Dazed

This whole day has been, umm...confusing to say the least. It started like most of my days, with me getting yelled at, then I got some good news, a bright turn. Then it all kind of went downhill from there. I find myself becoming more Dazed the older I get, I always thought "It will make more sense when I'm older" now with the exception of females and sex nothing becomes clearer with age, its like I've watched my life become cloudier rather than clearer.

I guess this is normal and things will never make perfect sense to me, but simple things, friendships, relationships in general continually befuddle me and I can't help but wonder, what is normal interaction? does it change from person to person, I know there are things that I can say to some of my friends, mainly my male friends that I could never say to some of my female friends.

I joke, I'm perverted, I don't hide these things from people, but I do refrain around more sensitive ears. Does this mean I'm ahsamed of who I am? Should I have to do this? Why can't I just be me, around all of my friends, instead of just a select few? And how do I define just being me?

Who am I? Am I the perv that many of my male friends know so well? Or am I the sweet innocent guy that the girls like? Is there a mixture? Is that possible? Your guess is as good as mine....

Evolution

hmm, I'm moving my blog to here because I find this blogger to be much simpler and also more fun than my other one. Again I'm going to state as my opener, I will complain, I will bicker, you probably wont like some of my points, I'll ask you to please not make an idiot of yourself by leaving nasty comments, if you don't like something I say, move on to my next post or leave. Now I'm going to post something I've posted in my other blog, its something I just started writing and I ended up with a pretty deep little paragraph.

Life brings a new definition to the term pain. Not only will life knock you off your feet, it will kick you repeatedly in the ribs until blood sprays from your mouth and you feel the need to simply die. When I look back on several of the things I've been through, I wonder to myself.. "Why?" why did I endure, where did my strength come from? For that answer I look to those around me, my friends, my family, all of the people I surround myself with. I know now how much I used to lean on them, I realize this now because in this moment, my ultimate moment of need, none of them are here, I've driven them away. When you take away my friends, my family, the brick wall that closes off my heart, what are you left with? Just me? What would I be like? I'm scared to find out. What if I'm not strong enough for the trials that lie ahead of me? How can I find the strength ill need when my friends are gone, when I've pushed them all so far away that they don't know who I am anymore?What will become of me then? Reading this the answer seems so simple, drop the walls and let someone back in, but I don't think I'm prepared to do that. And perhaps, just perhaps I can find the required strength inside myself, wouldn't that be shocking? Is it possible that the Justin everyone is so fond of, the one that requires the help and support, what if he's really just frightened? frightened of the possibility he can stand alone, that he wont need anyone to help carry his burdens, that he could shoulder the weight of his own responsibilities and succeed?