Nobody knows..

So yeah...I've had a long weekend, which turned out to be more stressful than I planned it to be. I planned on using this weekend to rest from my week of hell. I had some dreams this weekend, dreams I wish I wouldn't have had.Is it possible to develop feelings for someome you don't even really know? Is that possible? Thats possibly the stupidest thing I've ever been through, Dream one thing about one person and suddenly I'm filled with all of these feelings of guilt for something I don't think there is even the remotest chance in hell of happening. Maybe I'm just fucked in the head, maybe its impossible for me to have a normal relationship with any of my friends. I don't know, these headache pills have got me all screwed up, one minute I'm happy and fine, the next I'm near suicidal, and then I move straight into pissed off.

What a great friend I am, he'd never forgive me if he knew what I was feeling. he will remain nameless because I just want to avoid that whole painful series. It's not right, why do I always feel this way? so much guilt over something that hasn't even, and probably never will, happen. man, Life's a bitch...a royal bitch. I thought all was well with me and my life, everything's actually taking a turn for the better lately, but why am I still depressed, why does everything still get me down?..So this weekend has been about guilt, grief, fucked up dreams, and most of all, how much one little thought can rack my conscious with thoughts of guilt and agony...fun times..

" In just eight hours, they'll be laying flowers on my life. It's over tonight. I'm not messing no I need your blessing and your promise to live free, please do it for me........."

Fucking Nonsense

I know its been a hell of a long time...and now I'm updating because I need somewhere to siphon my feelings.
Yes, contrary to some people beliefs I do still have them, and their really fucked up right now. I swear this day has sucked so much ass it isnt even funny. I woke up exhausted, spent the rest of the day exhausted. managed to snag a few hours of sleep, before heading back down to Jeff's for an hour or so, then came back home to a really fun experience. My Grandpa, god bless him, he keeps trying to rationalize my cell phone and how I bought a $200 phone just for "some god-damned games" which werent on the fucking phone to begin with. scene two, Grandma makes idle comments all night about how I have horrible friends and I should just be a hermit who stays at home in his room all day...hell I'm not far from that now. I get away for the weekends..with the exception of this saturday where I had to spend the entire day with mom and grandpa and there constant bitching about the above mentioned cell phone. so back to today, I survive the day, exhausted and drained. I then get on yahoo, expecting to spend an hour or two chatting with some friends, boy could I have been more wrong; so I fight with yahoo, only to get online and find myself in a different kind of fight. Apparently my near constant depression while at home is affecting my friends. Apparently I don't care anymore, apparently I don't talk as much and I guess it just isnt appreciated.

Man I'm an ass, its not the first time I've been depressed and shut people out..I do it all the time, to all my friends, except I guess this time I feel the need to defend it for some stupid reason or another.There really is no defense for ignorance..and thats what it seems this issue boils down too. I'm to ignorant to see when I'm pushing people away. I do it every damn time..youd think sixteen years into this fucked up life I'd recognize when I'm losing the one really good thing, the one really good person, whose helped me get through more than anyone else..I think I came really close to losing her tonight..and that scares me..how much longer can she put up with me? how long can someones patients for something so trivial last? either way..I've got some work to do..a lot of soul searching...a little organizing of the thoughts...hopefully she'll hang around till thats done..and maybe I'll straighten myself out..heres hoping.