A Friend

"A friend is a person who knows all about you and still likes you"

I'd like to take a moment to ponder this statement. If this statement is true, then only one of my friends is actually a friend...because my friends on here only know the side of me that I choose to show. They can't see me when I don't want them too, they can read these, my darker thoughts and moments here, but they don't see me for all that I am. Switching notes, my local friends, excepting sam because for some reason I seem to trust him above all others, none of my local friends know about this site, and I plan to keep it that way. I think, that them reading this, would alter there perceptions of me so greatly as to widen the rift that is already drifting into our relationship. It's like every day I feel myself drifting further and further from all the friends I used to hold so dear, and slowly, gently falling into my own kind of seclusion. I don't know why, maybe I'm afraid to get hurt again after what happened with..well some of my other really good friends, I think I'm just trying to protect myself from being hurt again. In that attempt, however, I'm slowly killing everything that used to be the Justin that everyone knew and I'm hoping loved.

So, as of today, I'm going to turn that around, Force myself to let them back in if need be. I maybe I'll even give this site to some people, who knows. While I highly doubt I'll actually give this site out to anyone, I will try to be more myself and not just a silent observer, that isn't me, for one I'm rarely silent. You could almost always hear me over the rest, laughing, joking, talking, all the normal healthy activities one does when one is with friends. Yet for the past few day's it's like I would rather watch and listen to conversations than participate in them.

heh..who knows, all I can do is try to change.

I also found this quote interesting... but i will ponder it some other time maybe. "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step"

Exhausted

So yeah, school is thoroughly kicking my ass..or maybe I'm getting sick or something but god I'm tired. Been kind of worried, I have a friend in Louisianna that is right in the middle of the hurricanes projected path. So I'm pretty worried about her, (yes Britt just so you know when you do read this, I am going to pray tonight just for you) So yeah, I'm just scared and nervous for her, there's supposed to be 160 mph winds there. So that's one reason why I'm feeling a little off tonight. I guess Drivers Ed. Driving went okay Gene only had to say something to me once when I ran a stop sign in a wal mart parking lot...yeah..haha.

So yeah, I'm tired all the time and fatigue as you may guess can lower ones mental capacities by an astounding amount, so this week I've been thinking rather rashly about certain things. Perhaps I owe some people some apologies but I doubt that I'll ever give them.It feels like there's this rift between me and some of my friends and I can't begin to think how I can bridge that gap anymore.

Skirting the mildly depressing this time, I've been doing alot of work on a D&D campaigh actually pre planning and everything. I was surprised at myself with how much work I put into this Campaign, Sam liked it which is a good sign since he's probably going to be my only experienced gamer there.

Gah I'm nervous about my license test, I take it the seventh. I mean I know I'm a good driver, well at least not a bad one. I just know I'm going to get in that car with the inspector and going to totally fuck up..I can see it happening in my mind like right now. Hm..probably just me spazzing over every stupid thing possible like I always do.

Anyway precious reader, I know I have rambled on about some of the most pointless things but yeah, I needed to let some thoughts out and you get to see them this time..congratulations.

A new beginning

-it takes a real man to type in pink- okay yeah so I'm in slightly higher spirits than you my precious reader are used to seeing me in. However, I do believe I'm in the beginning stages of a flu or something, whatever it is its thoroughly kicking my ass. but yeah, I'm kind of bored, really tired and thinking about going to bed..at..9 -shudder gasp- I really must be dieing. see that..that was a joke, I know you don't see many of those from me here, now if you actually hang out with me you might hear them alot, but in all honesty I've been pondering why exactly I made this litte window into my soul. I've come to the conclusion that this is my out, this is were I go when I have no one else or no where else to turn to. I don't mean to offend any of my dear friends that have indeed been there for me on multiple occasions over the years when I needed them most.

So, I see now why this place is so full of my more tragic moods, because, when I'm happy I don't need an out, I can share that mood with anyone. However, sharing grief and pain is something I can't seem to do well, so I come here, thinking "Well, not many people read it just sam, jenn, maybe britt and lisa every once in a while, but I know I can trust that lot". So then why not just tell them instead of putting it here under the prying eye of just about anyone who might stumble upon it?

Well I personally think this is my own first step towards really letting people in, I know the likelyhood of some random joe nobody stumbling drunkenly into my blog is little to none, however that chance is still there. That someone that stumbles in is going to know some of my deepest darkest little secrets, so in a sense, this blog, and the information therein is my babysteps, small improvements, me slowly opening up to people. If you know me you know I have a problem with letting people in, very few people can honestly say they know how my mind works, and you, whomever you may be, can count yourself among them, because you, as you read my entries, see my mind, my conciousness at its strongest and weakest points.

Does this mean the next time I see sam I'm going to drop all my stuff and enter into a manly embrace...well probably but just because me and sam are goofballs like that. But anyway, I'm signing out for the night so, have fun everyone, lead happy and peaceful lives till next we meet.

wow...

Damn, that was like a full scale mental breakdown in text. I think I'm going to leave it instead of delete it, it gives a good insight into how I think when I'm in extreme stress situations lol but yeah, sorry to anyone I offended but as I stated in my opener...get used to it or get the hell out lol

Can't take it...

I just can't handle all of this bullshit anymore, I have to much going, to many people looking to me. I just can't handle the stress, one person telling me what a dick I am for leaving him behind, another can't even stand to talk to me anymore. Is this what my life is supposed to be? One agonizing mental rape after another? Sometimes I wonder how humans can stand each other, were so fucking whiney and needy, overly sensitive, we expect things from each other that we know can't be achieved, I'm not a fucking mind reader never will be, and as long as people are so god damned stubborn.....jesus I don't think I can do this anymore, I can't handle all this stress and all these problems. What happened to the good old days when I could say...I don't give a rats ass and actually mean it.

I mean, I try I swear to god I do but it seems like every fucking time I start to get close this giant metal door is slammed in my fucking face and its so damned irritating.. and I think...if people actually cared why do they keep putting me through this living hell, the constant torment of having to know I fucked up and theres nothing I can do about it...I just can't take it anymore...

Pointless

So...as some of you may have noticed i deleted two posts...they were pointless but yeah.i deleted them..